That “Most Wonderful Time of the Year” is upon us. But let’s be honest, while in some ways it can be a very special and celebratory time, it’s not always the glowing, blissful vision that we are led to believe it “should” and will be. There are, however, some adjustments we can make to our own mindset and practice to create more meaningful celebrations and more peace and calm throughout the holidays.
Self-care
November and December are very busy and stressful. There are year-end demands at school and work, busier social schedules with events that are both voluntary and required. We face pressures from friends and family around attending gatherings and making them special, and endless messages coming in at us for what we can and should want, need and buy. Perhaps even more difficult is that we each show up to this season with hopes and visions of what we want and need from others, and past hurts and disappointments (or worse) that have left scars of all kinds.
Practicing self-care is essential throughout the year, and especially now. Here are a few things that will make a big impact:
- Make an effort to take care of your physical needs – sleep, nutrition, movement, and fresh air. This will set the foundation from which you build everything else, because if your body is not nourished and regulated, your emotions can’t be either.
- Acknowledge the feelings you are having, not the feelings you want to have. We can’t change our emotions but validating our actual experiences allows us to make better choices about what we do with them.
- Pay attention to your boundaries and limits with regard to scheduling, travel, finances and socializing. How much can you reasonably handle? This will allow you to feel clearer about what you are able and not able to commit to and hopefully decrease the fatigue, guilt, and regret later on.
Cognitive Shifts
There is an exaggerated all-or-nothing way of approaching the holidays that is hard to avoid. Not only are we constantly faced with cultural messages that promise blissful and material abundance, but so often others overemphasize the positive appeal of the holiday season. Holidays can be fun, celebratory and meaningful, but they can also be fraught with difficulty. Interpersonal conflicts, differing ideas and expectations of family get-togethers, and loneliness and isolation when we either don’t celebrate the mainstream holidays or don’t have others in our lives to spend these times with can all feel stressful.
Greater awareness of our own thoughts can help us to notice patterns that don’t serve us well.
- Consider adopting a Both/And outlook. Many things can be true at the same time. For example, you can both have a difficult relationship with someone and also recognize that there could be something positive about them. Your relatives can be challenging [insert other words here – opinionated, critical, insensitive, drink too much, etc..], and also be the family member you have [insert positive attribute here -funny, sheltered, doing the best they can, etc..].
- Notice where your expectations and goals could be perfectionistic. Are your plans and goals realistic and reasonable, both for yourself and for others? If things do not meet your standards, do you feel hurt, self-critical and disappointed? Try focusing on what is good enough, rather than perfect.
The small shift in your thinking from an all-or-nothing mindset to a more balanced both/and perspective can have a big impact. It allows you to acknowledge the challenges and limitations in the person and relationship and then to accept what they do have to offer. No person, family or relationship is perfect, and it is much more gratifying to direct our attention and efforts toward what is possible and positive.
Gratitude
This brings us to gratitude. As we approach this Thanksgiving week, I am reminded of the power of positive thinking. Research consistently shows the benefit of practicing thankfulness and kindness on our overall well-being. Focusing on what we have, what we can do, what we are grateful for reminds us of the things we value and that are meaningful.
Here are a few ways to practice gratitude:
- Reminding yourself of who you are surrounded by and the qualities about them that you admire, respect or enjoy
- Focusing on making the food nourishing and delicious
- Creating traditions that allow interpersonal connection or serving others in need
- Appreciating what you have accomplished and created without self-consciousness about what you haven’t
We would all benefit from practicing self-care, cognitive shifts, and gratitude during the holiday season and all year long!